You will often meet people in this world who don’t seem to like you.
This is very evident when traveling, as you are a fresh face everywhere you go. This attitude is often the product of prejudices and unfair judgments based on first impressions, so it easy to find yourself feeling angry when this happens. In the past, I responded by emulating the rude manners or completely ignoring the individual.
Experience taught me neither of these approaches works. Responding with pride and animosity often validated their distorted perceptions, worsening the problem, and many times in my violent past led to fistfights. I remember always wondering why these people felt it was me who provoked the situation.
On the other hand, a conscious effort to ignore them alienated them, intensifying their jealousy and insecurity. Even if we were avoiding communication, we both knew and felt what was happening, and that kind of unspoken resentment is unhealthy. It breeds hatred. So ignoring them led to the same vicious cycle as reciprocation.
If someone dislikes you, or appears to, it may just be the manifestation of their insecurities. Never assume it is personal. Sometimes social behavior is so ingrained and automatic, they don’t even realize how rude they are—this is why people were always so convinced I had started the problem. On a similar note, when I was younger, I was often quiet around strangers. I was a little shy, and I was constantly thinking. I assumed people knew I was often lost in philosophical thought and saw me as deep and mysterious.
But when I made a conscious effort to be more extroverted, I realized my behavior was not interpreted this way at all. I was a big guy who walked with a confident air, and my quiet, serious demeanor told people I had a chip on my shoulder. No wonder people were rude to me!
My approach changed as I changed my life. Now, if I get a sense someone immediately dislikes me, I respond with kindness. I smile when I see them or whenever they look my direction. I say hello. Start small talk. I’m sure this advice isn’t new to you, and it may seem New-Agey or useless (as well as redundant).
But here is the thing.
It actually works—very well.
Unless someone is a genuine bastard, it is extremely difficult to continue being a jerk to someone who is always friendly. It might work for a little while, but in the long run it is not sustainable.
Think about how you project yourself.
Smile at strangers, especially if you encounter them often.
Make small talk, even if they reject your first attempts. Act familiar with people, be kind to them, and their defenses will crumble. Don’t take it personally when it seems you are unfairly judged or even subjected to racism. If you are comfortable with who you are, don’t let someone else’s assumptions affect your mood.
Only YOU have control over your emotional and mental state, so refuse to give that control away.
I’m not suggesting bow to people and let them constantly disrespect you. I can maintain my dignity when I act this way, and I still have lines I will not allow anyone to cross when it comes to my physical and emotional well-being; however, all it takes is simple “hellos” and “how are you’s.” An occasional smile or nicety—but keep it consistent and long-lasting. You will be amazed at how quickly people relax.
Continue being yourself.
Continue controlling your own mood.
You will find yourself smiling even more inside when they start greeting you first, realizing you were not only able to control your mood but theirs as well. Resist the tendency to judge back, and you will find what seems the most unfriendly, prejudiced person may be one of the most generous loving souls when you have cracked their shell. The rewards for you life are too vast to describe in words.
The best thing you can do for your social life is to stop thinking about your interactions as a means for personal gratification. Stop using your social life to make yourself happy. Instead, make it a conscious and consistent effort to make others feel good about their selves. Try to make them happy. As Anthony Robbins points out, people try to avoid pain and seek pleasure.
So become a source of pleasure.
If being around you provides good feelings for people, they will clamor to be in your midst.
As I pulled this blog entry up on my computer to post, a girl was sitting beside me in this Thai restaurant where I use the free wireless. Something happened that was ironically relevant to this post.
I noticed she was quiet and throwing me sideways glances as if she wanted me to speak to her. I didn’t see her in a negative light; however, I got the sense she was sad and lonely and wanted someone to speak to. Instead of doing so, I kept returning to my work, trying not to be distracted.
Finally, I forced myself to face the fact I was ignoring the moment. Rather than reach out to someone, I was focused on the project at hand, and was missing a chance to help someone or learn something new. So I stopped working and started a conversation with her.
And you know what—it turned out I was wrong anyways. She was actually very content. She was not lonely or sad at all from what I could tell. She was an enthusiastic, happy young woman who I was probably alienating with my refusal to spark up a conversation. In the end, I found out about some great teaching opportunities in Cambodia I was not aware of and made a new friend from Switzerland.
So not only do the above observations still apply, but I’m reminded of how easy it is to misjudge someone’s mood or situation if you do not take the time to work past assumptions. I am also reminded of the need to reach out to others if I want to live a life of travel and adventure. Even more so than people who stick close to home, a lifelong traveler needs a broad, extensive network of connections.
And finally, I am again reminded of the difference between watching life pass you by and experiencing it fully. At least I am flexible enough to remind myself when it is time to pursue goals and when it is time to relax and let things flow.
Maybe I can get the hang of this after all…
My Moment Of Life 